


Traditions

by zillah37 (visionshadows)



Category: NSYNC, Popslash
Genre: M/M, POV Second Person, ashley angel and dan with the cocksucking lips, boys are dumb and moms are smart, making cookies with O-Town, schmoopy christmas fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-17
Updated: 2013-03-17
Packaged: 2017-12-05 15:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/725102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/visionshadows/pseuds/zillah37
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You think maybe the past year has been building up to this and that scares you a little. Have you been doing this dance with Chris the whole time and never realizing it? Does he even realize that the two of you are doing the tango while the rest of the world is doing the fox trot?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Traditions

 

You love the holidays. They make you happy and smiley and it's the only time of year you willingly spend massive amounts of money. You buy fun, imaginative gifts, shopping all year long for your friends and family. Nothing makes you happier than curling up in front of a fire with a glass of wine and all your friends around you. You look forward to the holidays.

This year though, things are different.

You wander through your beautifully decorated house. The day after Thanksgiving you and Tyler stayed up all night decorating, climbing onto your roof and hanging the lights from the gutters with those evil hooks they have now. You miss the simplicity of the staple gun.

Tyler stood at the foot of the ladder, holding it and yelling up at you encouragement and threats, a combination of 'yeah that looks great' and 'if you fall and break your neck I'll kill you' as you crawled over the roof getting ivy in your face.

You just knew that the lights would look fantastic with the ivy. You were right.

When the two of you were finally finished, it was 4 am. You went inside and made hot chocolate, curling up on the couch to watch _It's A Wonderful Life_.

It was like you were kids again and Dad had let the both of you stay up and help with the lights. Mom would make hot chocolate and all of you would watch the movie and Tyler would poke you with his toes.

He still did that this year and as you laughed and tickled him you were deliriously happy your little brother was here with you.

But this morning you had hugged Tyler goodbye and put him on a plane for Chicago to go home to Mom and Dad for the holidays.

You had stuttered something about publicity appearances you had to do but he had known the truth.

You didn't want to go home without Bobbie.

It wasn't that your mother liked Bobbie more than you. It was just that your mother adored Bobbie and thought she was her daughter-in-law already. She thought you were going to get married. She was sure of it.

You hadn't told her that you and Bobbie broke up for good. She'd found out from the news.

Heather had told you that she had cried.

Now you were afraid to go home and Tyler knew that. He'd felt bad leaving you on the holidays but you had put on a strong face, saying that he needed to be with Mom and Dad and you had _tons_ of stuff planned with friends. You had lied.

You stop and adjust the strand of white lights over your mantle. An evergreen garland weaves around the pictures and you stop to look, reaching up and brushing your fingertips over Bobbie's cheek in the picture. That was last Christmas and you were happy.

You are happy now, just alone. Bobbie's gone. Tyler's gone. You're afraid to go home. You think about your friends and wonder who you can call to keep you company. Not Justin. He's in Memphis with his family and Britney. Not Lance. He's in Mississippi with his family and Laura. And Joey's got his own family now with Brianna and Kelly.

It's Brianna's first Christmas and Joey wants to make it special. You can't wait to see what he does for her. All of you bought her fun gifts, going overboard and spending way too much on her when she's just going to be more interested in the wrapping paper than the gift anyway.

The only person who's even home is Chris. And Chris is not fun this time of year. Last year Dani dumped him a week before Christmas and now he's become the Grinch. His Christmas cards had a picture of a guy giving the middle finger to Santa and saying 'Fuck the holidays'. You don't really want to call Chris right now.

You consider calling up AJ or Howie but you disregard that because you know that you can't deal with them right now. Kevin crosses your mind but you're pretty sure that he's back in Kentucky with his family. You don't even consider Nick or Brian. They hate you.

Beth's not around. Eric doesn't talk to any of you anymore since he and Lance had that big fight about the house and Lance moved out. The cashiers at Wal-Mart are tired of seeing you. Baron and Grendel are hiding.

You're starting to wonder if you are desperate enough to drive over to the O-Town house of lovin' but stop yourself before you think about making cookies with Ashley Angel and Dan with the cocksucking lips. That's just too scary.

You light a fire even though it's not cold and no one else is here. You open a bottle of red wine and sit in front of the fire. You give up because it's too hot and you're sweating and the wine is a bad vintage and you want to cry.

This is not Christmas.

 

* * *

 

You finally give in and drive over to Chris'. When you knock on the door and he opens it you shove a bag full of stuff into his arms before you drop the other bag.

"What the..." Chris turns to watch you head right to the kitchen. "Jace!"

You smile and take out the cookie trays and cookie cutters and a big bowl and a rolling pin.

Chris sets the other bag down, looking at you like you're insane. "What are you doing?"

"We're making Christmas cookies," you say, already humming to yourself. "Hand me the CD."

Wordlessly Chris hands you the CD and you pop it into the portable CD player you brought.

"Dude, is that 98*?" asks Chris, unpacking the other bag. He looks skeptical about the whole venture but doesn't argue.

"It's a Christmas mix I made for Tyler for his flight home," you say, washing your hands and trying not to show that it hurts to say that. You toss Chris an apron. "It's got a lot of stuff on it."

"Why are you making cookies at my house?" Chris asks, just looking at the apron. "And I'm not wearing this."

"Because it's no fun to make Christmas cookies alone," you say, still smiling even though you know that Chris is starting to get testy and you're going to lose him soon and you're going to cry if he makes you go home and you don't want to cry in front of him.

Chris sighs and balls up the apron. "I don't even know if my oven works, JC."

"It'll work," you sniff, looking at your ingredients. "Please. Can we make cookies?"

Chris sighs again and looks at you for a long time. "Yeah. Let's make some cookies."

You smile and wipe at your eyes briefly. "We always make Christmas cookies at my house. Mom and Heather and I just camp out in the kitchen for hours and make all kinds of different ones. I only brought stuff for sugar cookies and chocolate chip but you can cut the sugar cookies into all kinds of shapes and decorate them."

Chris doesn't say anything, just tying on the apron and moving closer to you. He watches as you measure flour and sugar into the bowl. You don't know what to say so you keep on babbling.

"One year we made so many cookies that we didn't have a place to put them," you look over at Chris. "That was the year I brought all those cookies back for everyone."

Chris nods. "Yeah. They were good."

You mix the batter, wondering if Chris is going to help any or if he's going to just stand there and look sullen as Christmas music plays in his house. You wonder what Chris is even planning to do for Christmas this year.

"My family is coming down in a few days," Chris finally says. "Is it okay if we keep some of the cookies?"

You smile and nod happily. "We can make a lot of cookies. I'm not going to be able to eat all of them anyway."

Chris nods and moves a little closer, holding out his hand. "Can I do something to help?"

You grin widely and hand him the bowl. "You can mix."

 

* * *

 

Chris' house smells of cookies and you're happier than you've been in a really long time. Chris is even smiling a little as he hands you a piece of pizza covered in mushrooms and ham which is one of the weird combinations that you love but no one but Chris lets you get.

"Are you going to decorate?" you ask Chris excitedly, thinking about what you could do to his house to make it look pretty for the holidays.

"We don't really decorate in my family," Chris says, taking a bite of the pizza. "Christmas isn't really that big a deal to us."

"But it's _Christmas_! How can you not love it?"

Chris looks at you for a long time and he just shakes his head a little, sighing. "Because Christmas was always a reminder that we were poor, JC. So we just turned it into another day."

You don't say anything for a moment, picking a mushroom off your pizza. "But you're not poor anymore."

"You're right," says Chris calmly. He never gets upset anymore when he talks about being poor. It's become a part of him that he accepts now. "We aren't poor anymore but we like our Christmas, JC. We all get together and sit around and eat pizza and just spend time with each other. We don't decorate and we don't have a big meal and we don't give gifts. We drive around and look at the lights on other houses and go play in the snow."

"There's no snow here," you say stupidly, thinking that maybe Chris' Christmas is nice even though a little sad.

"Yeah," Chris takes another bite of his pizza. "But there's a lot of lights here."

"We always have a big dinner with ham and potatoes and salad and pie," you say. "Then we watch _It's A Wonderful Life_ and go to Midnight Mass even though I'm not Catholic anymore. After that we each get one gift before going to bed. The next day we go to my grandmom's and spend the day there. It's always very cozy and happy."

"How come you aren't there?" asks Chris innocently.

"I've got stuff to do here," you mumble into your pizza.

Chris lets it pass, knowing that you don't. He just reaches out and runs his fingers through your hair soothingly. You pretend that there isn't grease on his fingers and just enjoy the soft touch.

 

* * *

 

You sit around Chris' house until it's really late. Busta and Korea are already in Chris' bed, curled up on the pillow he keeps for them. Chris mumbles something about sleeping and gives you a significant look.

You swallow a little and nod. "I guess I should go now." You stand up and shift a little on your feet. "Can I come back tomorrow?"

Chris looks at you for a moment and you shift uncomfortably under his gaze. He stands up and holds out his hand. You look at it stupidly.

"The guest bedrooms are a mess but there's room in my bed. Just don't steal the dogs pillows and you'll be fine."

You continue to look at him stupidly. "What?"

"C'mon, C. I recognize that look. You don't want to go home and you don't want to be alone right now. I live with you nine months out of the year and I know when you need someone else. Now just get upstairs so I can go to sleep."

You smile a little sheepishly and let Chris lead you upstairs. He puts on an old T-shirt and clean boxers, tossing a T-shirt at you. You slip it on and climb into Chris' bed, keeping the dogs in between you. Korea licks your face before curling up and going back to sleep.

Chris turns off the light before getting in bed. He reaches across the dogs and ruffles your hair. "Night, C."

"Night, Chris."

You smile in the darkness of the bedroom. You feel a little better.

 

* * *

 

By two the next day, you've convinced Chris to let you buy him a Christmas tree and decorate his house. He drives you to Wal-Mart and sighs heavily as you study the different lights and hooks and ornaments. You finally decide that you want to decorate Chris' house in the old style C-9 lights in bright colours. You see the corners of Chris' mouth twitch when you put about 10 packages in the cart.

"They remind me of you," you say before wandering a little further to look at the lights to put on the tree.

"Lights remind you of me?"

"I bet your mother would have put these up," you say, putting a bunch of brass candles into the cart. "We'll put them in the front windows."

"What about these icicle things?" asks Chris, picking up one box and looking at them.

" _Everyone_ has those, Chris," you roll your eyes and put them back. "I want to decorate your house so it's like you."

"Okay," Chris steps back and watches as you fill the cart up with lights and garland and ornaments. You laugh as you pick up the Nsync ornaments and put them in the cart. "I have those already, C."

You blush a little and put them back. "I forgot they gave us them."

"They look silly anyway," says Chris. "I don't think I want Justin on my tree."

"Okay," you say softly. "Do you have a stand?"

"A stand?"

"For the tree?"

Chris shakes his head. "I guess we need one of those?"

You nod and walk over to the display of tree stands. You smile and point to the huge cast iron one off to the side. "That one."

"It's _seventy_ dollars, JC."

"It'll last for a really long time," you say. "It's the real man's Christmas tree stand. Just pick it up and put it in the cart."

"Somehow I don't think that you should be telling me about being a real man," Chris grumbles as he picks up the heavy stand, groaning a little under the weight. "This thing weighs more than you do."

You just smile sweetly and push the cart down the aisle.

 

* * *

 

You fought with Chris over the Christmas tree. He wanted a little, scraggly tree saying that it was right for him because it was the runt. You said that he needed a big, beautiful tree and made him buy a huge eight-foot Douglas fir that barely fit on the roof of Chris' PT Cruiser.

You direct Chris on the way to put up the Christmas tree, pointed and saying "A little to the left. It's not centered. You're doing it all wrong."

Chris pokes his head out for underneath the tree, exasperated. "Do you want to do this?"

"No," you say sheepishly. "I'll be quiet."

Chris shimmies back under the tree and goes back to tightening the screws into the trunk. You don't say anything when the tree tilts a little too much to the right and leans against the wall.

You sit on the ground and pet Busta behind his soft ears, smiling down at him. This isn't what Christmas is normally like but it's kind of nice. Chris is easily swayed by your pout and you suspect that he's just humouring you. You know that when his family gets here, you'll have to go back to your empty house again.

"We should go pick up Baron and Grendel," Chris says from underneath the tree, his voice slightly muffled by pine needles. "They're probably lonely at your place."

"Really?"

You smile widely and Chris' head peeks out again. He smiles and nods a little. "And pack some clothes for you," Chris says. "You can't wear those all the time."

"Thank you," you murmur, hiding you face in Busta's back as you blush happily. Chris isn't going to make you leave. You don't have to be alone this Christmas.

 

* * *

 

Grendel immediately takes up residence in the bathroom closet where Busta and Korea can't find him. You assure Chris that you will wash all the towels in there after you leave and that he won't claw anything up.

Baron already knows Busta and Korea and is sufficiently scared of them even though he's five times their size. He cowers in the corner of the living room while Busta and Korea wag their tails at him, their butts shaking in excitement.

Chris lets you hang up clothes in his closet because he knows that you're anal and won't let anything wrinkle. He even gets out the ironing board and puts it in the corner of his bedroom for you.

You make Chris dinner that night and clean the downstairs bathroom. He takes a conference call with Dani and you stay out of his way. When dinner is finished you knock lightly on his office door and poke your head inside.

Chris nods, waving you in. "Look, Dani. I have to go. Dinner is ready."

You hear Dani laugh on the other end, and it makes you wince. You don't want to hate Dani because she and Chris are still friends and she's really, really sweet but you hate that she hurt Chris for so long.

"Pizza's there?"

Chris looks at you and smiles. "Nope. JC made vegetarian lasagna and I think he'd like me to eat with him."

You blush and look at your feet, thinking you need to redo the pink nail polish on your toes. Britney had painted them a few weeks before, saying that Justin never let her do that and you agreed because it made her smile.

"JC's there?" Dani's voice is a little weird and Chris nods. "He's staying with me for the holidays."

She coughs and you can almost see the disapproving look on her face. Instead, she says "You two have fun then. Give JC a kiss for me."

"I will," says Chris, rolling his eyes and you laugh a little. "Bye, Dani." He hangs up and stands up, kissing your cheek lightly. "From Dani."

"Yeah," you breathe out slowly, nodding as your stomach flutters. "Dinner's ready."

 

* * *

 

You wake up the next morning to the sound of barking. Chris is still fast asleep and you watch him for a few minutes before you get out of bed to see what's going on with the dogs. Chris murmurs in his sleep and rolls over, clutching your pillow to his chest.

You have a sudden urge to kiss him but it passes and you head downstairs to find Grendel cornered by Busta and Korea in the kitchen. You push them aside and pick up your cat, petting him gently. He hisses at you and scratches your cheek. You drop him out of shock and he runs away, probably back to the upstairs bathroom.

You touch your cheek and sigh, looking down at the dogs. "Be nice to my cat." Busta just wags his tail stupidly and trots out of the room. Korea licks herself. You decide to go in search of Baron to try and get him to eat. You hate thinking that the dog is starving or something.

You find Baron fast asleep on the ratty old couch Chris has in the basement. He's drooling all over the place and looks content. You lie down next to him and close your eyes, falling asleep easily.

 

* * *

 

"Jace," Chris says softly, shaking you. "Wake up."

Your eyes flutter open and Chris is staring down at you, too close almost. He pulls back quickly.

"Why are you sleeping down here? Did I kick or something?" Chris perches on the edge of the couch, nudging Baron over.

You sit up, wiping at your mouth sheepishly. "Your dogs were trying to murder my cat so I came to rescue him," you put your hand on your cheek. "He scratched me. And then I looked around for Baron and found him down here. I didn't mean to fall asleep."

Chris reaches up and moves your hand away, looking at the scratch Grendel left on your cheek.

"I made breakfast," he says. "Then we can decorate the house. My family is going to be here around 3."

Chris doesn't let go of your hand as he pulls you up and off the couch. You stumble after him, still half-asleep, but you wrap your fingers around his hand easily. His thumb strokes the back of your hand and you're still too tired to try and figure out what it means.

He sits you down at the table and puts a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of coffee in front of you. "Thank you," you say softly even though you don't really like oatmeal.

Before you can even pick up the spoon though, Chris stops you. "I know you're not a oatmeal person but just try it. I make it special." He gives you a small, shy smile, something you're not used to seeing on Chris. "And if you really hate it, I can make eggs."

You smile back shyly and tell yourself that no matter what you will eat this whole bowl of oatmeal to make Chris happy.

You pick up the spoon and take a bite, Chris watching the whole time. "It's good," you say, surprised yourself. You take another bite easily, wondering how Chris got it to taste so good. "Is that maple syrup?"

Chris nods proudly and starts to eat his own bowl. You know that you just made Chris happy. It's rare that he even tries to cook for any of you. He just lets the idea that he's a horrible cook stay in your minds.

"I know it's not how you do things" you start, dragging your spoon through the oatmeal. "But can I make Christmas Eve dinner for you guys? We can do the pizza and lights thing on Christmas Day."

"Would it mean that much to you?" asks Chris seriously.

You nod, sticking the spoon in your mouth. Chris looks down at his bowl before taking a sip of coffee.

"Emily doesn't eat ham. Can you make turkey instead?"

You hug Chris happily as your answer.

 

* * *

 

Chris doesn't let you climb on the ladder, saying that you're too valuable to the world and it's better for him to fall and break his neck. You argue about that for a while but secretly you're happy that Chris is worried about you even though he's deathly afraid of heights.

You wish it were cold as Chris clambers on the roof and shouts down to you, asking if he's doing it right. You nod and direct him carefully, knowing that Chris hasn't done this before.

Chris almost falls off the roof when he tries to hook one strand of lights to the next. You yelp and try to figure out if you'd be able to catch him if he falls. He scrambles down and sits on the ground, breathing heavily.

You hug him tightly, wrapping your arms around him because he's safe on the ground now. He's shaking and you wonder why he was so adamant about climbing on the roof.

"Let me finish," you murmur. "It's too high for you."

"It's a phobia," Chris mutters but nods, clutching you back. "Be careful, okay. I don't want to go to the emergency room."

You nod, pulling back finally. You look at him; at the frightened look he's trying to hide but is so obvious in his eyes. You reach up and brush back his hair, marveling at how soft it is. You want to kiss him.

Chris gestures at the roof with his chin. "Let's get this finished. Then we need to get things ready for my family."

"Okay," you say softly, smiling at him sheepishly. You clamber up the ladder, all long limbs and unnatural grace. The roof is less pitched than yours and there's no Tyler yelling at you but it's still fun. Chris is watching you like a hawk and feeding lights up to you.

You think Chris' house looks beautiful even though he says it looks like a clown exploded on it.

You smile because he says it fondly, smiling at you the whole time.

 

* * *

 

The house is cozy and warm and Chris let you light a fire even though it's warm and both of you are wearing shorts. The tree is decorated and there are a few brightly wrapped presents underneath it. You say to him that you can't spend the holidays with him and his family and not give them gifts. He protests but you tell him that it's not up for argument and put the packages under the tree, all of them carefully labeled with their names on it.

You catch Chris sitting in the living room and looking around. He looks sad and you feel bad about taking his quiet Christmas away and turning it into the Christmas you are used to having.

You think that everything looks pretty and sparkly and so much more festive than when you first got here. The only thing that doesn't look happier and more festive is Chris himself.

You come up behind him and put your hands on his shoulders. He looks up at you and smiles softly, resting one of his hands on top of yours.

"I'm glad you're here," Chris says to you, squeezing gently. Hurt flickers across his face briefly but he hides it. You want to ask but instead stay quiet. "Why are you here?"

You pause and move to sit next to him. Chris is warm and the fire flickers across the room. You think that maybe you can answer it or start to answer it because the answer has definitely changed now.

"Afraid to go home," you start off but stop again because it's not so much that anymore. Chris waits. "Afraid to leave you."

He smiles and reaches out to touch your cheek, tracing it gently with the back of his finger. You feel his fingernail dragging across the skin and shiver slightly.

"Don't be afraid of leaving me, C. I'm fine. Really."

"But last year" You trail off, your face turned down.

"Last year Dani broke up with me and I had a bad Christmas. Yes, I don't really want to think about this time of year as being something special because of that, but I am okay, JC. I promise."

"Are you going to make me leave?" You look up at him and without realizing it your chin quivers and your eyes fill with tears.

"No," he says softly. "Because I'm afraid to let you leave."

 

* * *

 

You think maybe the past year has been building up to this and that scares you a little. Have you been doing this dance with Chris the whole time and never realizing it? Does he even realize that the two of you are doing the tango while the rest of the world is doing the fox trot?

 

* * *

 

There is a lot of noise and instant confusion when Chris' family arrives. Molly isn't there but you don't really know Molly very well anyway. Katie is loud and gives you a wet kiss on the cheek, flinging herself down on the couch and grabbing up Busta, tickling him. She's the same age as you but sometimes she seems like she's more Taylor's age.

Emily is quieter, almost hidden by the garrulous nature of the rest of the family. She's shy and hangs back, setting her bag down by the door and taking off Taylor's coat as she squirms and tells Chris stories as fast as she can. You hang back as well, taking coats and trying to hide from Beverly. You're not afraid of her but you don't really want to be there when Chris explains why you're there.

"Nice tree," says Katie, looking at it and the decorations and the fire. "What's with it?"

Chris swings Taylor onto his back and she wraps her arms around his neck. "Starting some new traditions," he says, giving you a smile. "It's kind of pretty actually. JC helped me with it."

They all turn to look at you and you blush, dropping Emily's leather coat on the ground. They don't say anything for a moment and you pick up the coat, hanging it carefully on the hook by the door. Your hands shake and you start to think that candles in the windows were a bad idea.

"I'm glad you haven't been all alone this year, Chris," says Beverly finally, smiling at you.

Actions resume and they all start to talk at once except Emily who sidles over to you and gives you a shy smile. You remember what Chris said once about her having a little bit of a crush on you.

"He's smiling because of you," she says quietly, barely audible over the sounds of Taylor shrieking as Chris tickles her. "Thank you for that."

You don't know what to say.

 

* * *

 

It's late by the time everyone calms down and gets to bed. You half expect Chris to make you sleep on the couch since his family is here but instead he grabs your hand and announces that the two of you are going to bed. No one even comments.

The dogs aren't even with you and when you climb into Chris' bed you wonder what is going on. He gets into bed as well, yawning widely.

"They're insane but I love 'em."

"Yeah," you say softly, moving a little closer to Chris. "Um. Chris?"

"Yeah?" He turns to look at you and his eyes shine in the darkness.

"Night," You whisper before leaning forward and kissing him quickly on the lips. You turn away and smile to yourself, your stomach shivering from nervousness.

There aren't any sounds for a while besides Chris' steady breathing. Then with a soft sigh, he rolls over and slings his arm over your waist, pressing his face to your shoulder. Your stomach flips over.

"Night," he whispers.

 

* * *

 

You slowly wake up feeling warm and comfortable. You're practically draped across Chris, your head pillowed on his chest and one leg thrown over his thigh. Your hand ended up under his shirt, resting on the bare skin. You can feel him stroking your hair gently and you move a little, opening one eye.

"Hey," says Chris softly. His hand slides over your cheek and tilts your chin up. His breath washes across your lips only to cover them with his own briefly. You inhale sharply and he pulls back. "Go brush your teeth. It's time to get up and eat breakfast with my family."

You nod, licking your lips again. "Chris?"

"Go," says Chris, looking away sadly. You bite your lip and nod, getting up and going into the bathroom. You're shaky as you try to brush your teeth and you look in the mirror and try to figure out what's happening.

Chris is already gone when you get back into the bedroom and you pull on one of his sweatshirts, running your fingers through the errant curls. You can still feel the press of his lips against your own.

Baron wags his tail at you and you absently press your fingers to his head, scratching behind his ears the way he likes. He woofs and presses his big head to your thigh and you smile at him. There are laughing sounds and coffee smells floating through the air.

It feels like home so whatever is happening that you can't explain you're fine with.

 

* * *

 

You are a basting and peeling madman. People float in and out of the kitchen and you smile and have Emily mash the potatoes because she offers to help and no one but you can do the pies.

You take the turkey out and baste again, taking in the golden colour of it. You're proud of yourself. You've never tried to make a meal of this magnitude alone. You wipe off your hands and go back to the pies, carefully rolling out the dough for the crust so it is paper-thin.

"Hey," Chris says, walking into the room. You smile at him and carefully place the crust on top of the apple pie. You wipe off your hands. "It smells great."

He looks a little forlorn, standing in the middle of his own kitchen and not knowing where he's supposed to be.

"Emily's helping with the potatoes," you say, looking at him. The distance between the two of you is great, pronounced after this morning. You turn your back to him, not to be rude but to pinch the crust.

Chris smiles and closes the distance between the two of you. His one arm wraps around your waist, his chin tucked over your shoulder, his front pressed to your back.

"Hey there," you say jokingly, your hands still pinching the piecrust and your face turned a little towards him. His other hand slides under your arm and rests over your heart.

"Hi," Chris responds, lifting his head and kissing you again. This time you accept the kiss and press your lips against his. It's soft and gentle and oddly pure. He licks once at your lips before pulling back and resting his head on your shoulder.

You pinch the piecrust and feel him breathe.

"Oh!" says Emily, surprised. "Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt."

You stiffen in Chris' arms but he doesn't move away, just turns his head to smile at Emily. "It's okay. What's up?"

Emily smiles and sits down at the table, resting her chin on her hands. "You two are so cute together."

"Oh we're not" Chris cuts you off, his fingers digging slightly into your stomach and you just smile.

"Thanks, Em," Chris says, relaxing his fingers. "Everything okay?"

She nods, still smiling happily. You look back at the pie and it's finished so you stand there in Chris' arms and wait for something to happen.

"I'll leave you two alone," she grins and scurries out of the kitchen.

You don't say anything for a long moment.

"Chris?"

"Mhm?"

"Why'd you let her think we're together?"

Chris lets go and he goes to sit on the counter, his shoulders slumping. "It makes them happy to think that I'm not alone."

"Oh," you breathe out slowly. So that's what this is. Your heart sinks but you smile anyway. "Well you aren't alone. You have me."

"You know," Chris looks at the ground. "Dani said the same thing last Christmas after she broke up with me. She said I still had her."

"Oh Chris," you go over to him, wrapping your arms around his waist and resting your head on his shoulder. You hug him tightly, feeling him slump into your arms. "You've already had me for seven years." You lift your head and look him in the eyes. "They can think we're together. It's fine."

Chris licks his lips and looks right at you. "Thank you."

You give him a wide smile, hoping it reaches your eyes. "You're welcome."

 

* * *

 

"One Christmas," Katie laughs. "We drove around all night because we couldn't go back to our apartment."

"Oh yeah," says Emily. "That was the year we were evicted. Dad was cleaning out the apartment so Mom took us to look at lights."

"You remember that?" asks Chris. "You were like three or four."

"I was five," Emily corrects him. "That was the year we found the house on Spring Road. You know, the one with the animated Santa's workshop."

"Oh!" Taylor giggles. "Santa was kind of scary looking there."

You don't know what to say and the turkey that was tender and juicy a few minutes before tastes like sawdust now as you listen to them talk about past Christmases.

"I _loved_ that place," says Chris. "You think they still do it?"

Beverly shakes her head. "They sold the house a few years ago. You were in Germany when that happened."

"Aw," Chris pouts and turns to look at you. "You would have loved this place, C. We would go there and just watch the elves for ages."

You nod a little, feeling tears burn at your eyes. You can't imagine what it was like for Chris before anymore then you can imagine what it's like for him now.

"We're out of gravy," You say quietly, picking up the gravy boat and escaping to the kitchen. You press your forehead against the cold metal of the refrigerator and try not to cry.

A warm hand presses to the small of your back and you aren't even surprised. "It's okay," he says to you softly. "We all know how messed up it is to be laughing about stuff like that. We have to or else we have to face how fucked up our lives were."

"You were evicted on Christmas?" You turn and look at him, your eyes red-rimmed and threatening to spill over.

Chris nods. "And one year my step-dad was in prison and one year Katie was in the hospital and we spent Christmas there. One year we didn't even have a working car to go look at lights so we rode around on the bus," he pauses. "And one year we spent it at a shelter. I was five then. It was just me, Mom, and Molly. She was just a baby."

Your chin trembles and you can't speak, just moving your mouth and looking at him. He reaches up and strokes your cheekbone.

"It's okay," he says to you again and you nod. "It really is, JC. So don't cry. That'll never happen to them again. I take care of all of them and it'll never happen again."

You kiss him, almost desperately to make him stop talking. You think maybe you understand Chris more right now than you ever have before, listening to him babble on about his family and seeing how much he really loves them.

Chris kisses you back, his arms tightening around you and he presses a thigh between your legs and you hit the refrigerator as you back up, pulling him with you. Your fingers tighten in his hair and you let out a gasp as he finally pulls away, looking at you with dark, glittering eyes.

Chris pulls back and straightens your clothes and hair, brushing away a stray tear and the redness on your lips. You do the same for him and both of you go back into the dining room with more gravy and matching secretive smiles.

 

* * *

 

You don't make them go to Midnight Mass and you decide not to go as well partially because you don't know a good Catholic church in the area and you can't call Joey to ask or else he'll insist you come with him and you don't want to. This is your time with Chris.

Chris lights a fire and you curl up in his arms with a glass of wine. Katie and Emily sit on the couch, each of them sipping wine as well. Taylor lies with her head in her mother's lap, exhausted but not willing to miss anything. The dogs are even getting along; Busta and Korea curl up against Baron.

Chris is warm and the fire crackles and you drift off without meaning to, sleeping comfortably on Chris.

"Hey," Chris whispers, kissing your forehead. "You sleepy?"

You nod, your eyes still closed and a smile on your lips.

"You want to go to bed?"

You nod again and feel Chris shift, getting up. The fire is out and everyone else is gone. It's just you and him again. You smile and rub at your eyes, yawning at the same time.

Chris stares at you, a little smile on his lips. "You're fucking adorable, Chasez. How come I only noticed this now?"

"Finally succumbed to my charms," you murmur, letting Chris pull you to your feet and lead you to bed for the fourth night in a row. You drape yourself over him, snuffling against his neck. "'M impossible to resist."

He stops and points up. Your eyes manage to focus and you giggle. "Mistletoe."

"You put it up," says Chris turning to face you. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," you say back. You close your eyes and tilt your head and Chris kisses you again and you feel the warmth wash over you and it feels like you've been doing this forever already.

"Glad I didn't go make cookies with Ashley Angel and Dan with the cocksucking lips," you murmur, letting Chris continue to lead you upstairs.

"Cookies with O-Town. Sounds like a bad talk show," Chris smiles and sits you down on the bed. You're sleepy and pliant as he undresses you and tucks you in bed. You struggle to stay awake until he gets into bed and when he does you happily tuck your head under his chin and wrap your arms around his waist.

Chris doesn't even flinch, holding you easily. "Call your mother tomorrow, JC."

You nod and snuggle closer. You can hear Chris' heart beat underneath your ear and it soothes you back to sleep quickly.

 

* * *

 

You wake up when Chris gets back in bed. You look at him sleepily, rubbing your eyes with your fist. He kisses your forehead and lies back down.

"Go to sleep, JC."

You sniffle a little and watch him shift in the bed. You think that he's beautiful and you want to keep this after Christmas.

"I want to be your boyfriend," you mumble into his chest as he strokes your hair. "Can I be your boyfriend?"

He pauses for a moment and you don't breathe until his hands resume stroking your hair.

"Go back to sleep, JC. We'll talk about this in the morning."

You shake your head. "Please. Want you."

Chris is silent and you think maybe he's fallen asleep until you lift your head to look at him and see that he's just staring into space.

"Chris?"

"Go to sleep, JC. Santa won't come if you aren't asleep."

It's a dismissal and you lie back down sadly, thinking that you're going to miss this when Christmas is over and life has to go back to normal.

"You don't believe in Santa," you whisper into the darkness.

Chris' arms tighten around you more. "Yeah, but you do."

 

* * *

 

You wake up before Chris again and you watch him sleep, sitting cross-legged on his bed. He doesn't move all that much and for some reason that surprises you. It seems like he would move all the time.

You reach out and brush your fingers through his hair, tracing his cheeks and nose. You touch the scratchy hair on his jaw and twist the horns of his beard between your fingers.

Chris wakes up as your fingers touch the soft skin of his neck. He reaches up a hand to hold your wrist.

You blink as you look into his brown eyes. He sighs and lets go of you. His eyes look sad and sleepy and you feel bad for hurting him. You know that you did by asking for more than Chris wanted to give.

You climb out of bed, shaking a little. You get dressed and turn to look at him. "I'll make breakfast."

Chris nods, sitting up and watching you.

You walk out quickly, positive that you've just ruined your relationship with Chris.

Downstairs is quiet and still. You pad through the kitchen in your bare feet and start to make coffee. You already know where everything is in Chris' kitchen and you get out food for the pets.

Grendel shows up first, purring and rubbing against your leg. He seems to forget that he scratched you the day before and you smile, leaning over to pet him. The dogs show up and eat messily. You pour a cup of coffee and sit at the table, watching them and thinking about breakfast.

"JC?"

You start and turn to the doorway. Beverly is standing there wearing a bathrobe and looking half asleep.

"Hi."

She smiles sleepily and sits down at the table. "You're not really dating my son."

You swallow and look at the ground. Busta's trying to eat Baron's food and Korea is growling at Baron so that he'll stay away.

Beverly touches his shoulder. "JC?"

You look up but still can't meet her eyes or answer her.

She moves closer and wraps her arms around you. "Why aren't you dating my son?"

"He" you stutter and ball up a fist, scrubbing at your eyes. "He doesn't want me. He just wanted you to think that he wasn't alone. For Christmas. I'm not. What he wants."

"Then he's lying," says Beverly firmly.

"It's okay," you murmur. "I'm okay. I want to do this for him."

Beverly closes her eyes and rests her head against yours. "Both of you are so stupid."

You nod miserably. "I know."

 

* * *

 

There's laughter and talking and happiness as the six of you crowd around the tree and open the pile of presents that miraculously appeared overnight. You think back and smile sadly because you know that Chris was playing Santa Claus when he woke you up getting back into bed.

That makes you feel even worse because he was doing something special for you and you hurt him.

But Chris is smiling and hugging you and he kisses you when he opens his gift from you which is about 50 albums that you think he'd like.

He sits on the floor with the albums next to him and studiously goes through them, setting them aside carefully. You smile happily and hug yourself when you see how happy he is with them. You don't regret the day you spent in that tiny, cramped store in New York anymore.

Chris kisses you gently and you duck your head, feeling Beverly's gaze on you. Suddenly the soft kisses you loved just yesterday feel wrong and almost like he's using you.

There's a small box with your name on it and Chris hands it to you, smiling. You look at the little box that's wrapped in comics and that makes you smile a little because it's very Chris. You open it up and see a piece of paper with one word on it: yes.

You look at him in surprise and he just gives you a smirk. You wrap your arms around his neck and hug him as tightly as possible. He hugs back and you feel like you're going to cry. You briefly wonder when being with Chris became the most important thing to you.

Chris lets go of you and pats your thigh gently. "You need to call your mom."

You nod and look at the piece of paper again. "Can I tell her?"

Chris chuckles and presses a soft kiss to your temple. "Why do you think I made you wait until after we opened gifts?"

"Thank you," you say again, blushing and feeling like a little girl. Chris kisses you again and this time it's for real because the two of you are real and you don't care anymore about feeling like a girl and just kiss him.

 

* * *

 

You take a left out of Chris' development and head first to the Compound to see what Johnny did this year. Or more specifically had done. You're driving because the Excursion is big enough for everyone at once. Chris sits next to you and tells loud stories as you drive. His hand is on your thigh and you like that.

You use your gate opener to go inside and drive to the front so they can get out and walk to the dock and look at the houses all along the lake.

They all pile out and you wait for Chris, taking his hand in your own and walking with him. The Compound looks beautiful, lit up in white lights. You feel calm and Chris squeezes your hand as the six of you walk towards the dock, talking softly.

"Chris," Taylor tugs at his sleeve and holds her arms up. He picks her up easily even though she's definitely old enough to walk. She wraps her arms around Chris' neck and rests her head on them, looking at you as if to say 'he was my brother first'.

You smile at her reassuringly.

"Look at that one," says Katie, her face bright as she points out a house across the small lake that was lit up with bright lights. "Reminds me of Grandma's."

Emily sits first, looking up at the sky and then back at the lights. Beverly sits next to her and puts an arm over Emily's shoulders, holding her close. You stand back as the Kirkpatrick family sits together, all of them huddled close, Chris holding Taylor still.

You feel like you're intruding and you move away to sit on the swings, watching them the whole time. This isn't what you are used to but there is something so normal and right about this moment.

You see Chris in a new light when he's huddled with his family. You see a strong kid who had to take too much responsibility on at too young an age. You see a mother who loves her kids and did everything she could to make them happy, even if all she could do was drive them around to look at lights. You see four kids, you know it would be five if Molly was here, who care about each other so much that it hurts.

You sniffle and wipe at your eyes.

"Mr. Chasez?"

A voice breaks the silence, a flashlight swinging on you.

"Y..yes," you look over, shielding your eyes. "Denny?"

The guard hunkers closer. "Thought that was you. I was just doing my rounds and saw your car. Wanted to make sure everything was okay."

"We're fine," you say, hoping he doesn't see the tears.

Denny looks at the dock. "Mr. Kirkpatrick and his family?"

You look at him in surprise but manage a nod.

"They've been coming here every year for the past six," he says, tipping his hat at you and going back on his way.

You let yourself cry freely now, knowing that you won't be bothered. Chris eventually comes back and hugs you close and wipes away your tears. He doesn't even ask why you're crying this time. He just reminds you that it's okay.

 

* * *

 

You go to Joey's house and see the driveway filled with cars; his family and Kelly's. You drive past his parents house and everyone jokes about kidnapping the snowman again. You point out AJ's house because it is always decorated well. You all laugh when you see that both Justin and Lance have their homes decorated even though they aren't there.

You come home after about two hours and order pizza. Chris picks the cheese off your piece and you smack him in the arm and steal his beer even though you don't like beer. It's the principle.

You all sit on the floor and eat right from the box. The fire isn't lit and there's no wine but you feel like this is what you've been missing all along.

And when you and Chris go to bed tonight, it's as a couple. You brush your teeth and he accidentally spits on your toothbrush which makes him laugh and makes you throw out the toothbrush. He doesn't get insulted, just tosses you a new pink one from the cabinet.

He wraps his arms around you from behind and your whole body hums from the contact. He strokes your stomach and the two of you stand on his balcony and whisper to each other about past experiences with men and whether this is something new.

You find out that Chris dated guys exclusively before the band and he finds out that you've never done more than kiss Joey while drunk. He confesses that he kissed Joey once while he was drunk too. You both make a bet on whether Joey's kissed Lance and Justin as well.

You turn in his arms and look at him seriously, your eyes huge and limpid. He reaches up and brushes your hair back, tucking errant curls behind your ears.

"Thank you."

He tilts his head a little but nods.

You don't need to say anything else and he leads you to the bed. The two of you kiss, lying side by side and hands touch questioningly, searching for spots that make the other person sigh and twist.

Later, you lie in the dark naked, limbs entangled and Chris' warm breath on your neck and think that this has been the best Christmas of your life.  
  
---  
  
**Author's Note:**

> I feel that I have to mention that I know all of Chris' family are not Kirkpatrick's. I just can't remember their last names. *g*


End file.
